Can we talk about alignment?

In my teens no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, I kept walking into opportunities. When one door closed, before I knew it another had opened and I truly felt like the luckiest person alive.

In 2019 I found my way onto The Big Narstie Show as a backup dancer. What started as only one episode as part of Sherrie Silver's "This Is America" recreation, lead us coming back each week for the whole of season 1!

Now that I think back, this could have been a consequence of being extroverted and extremely social, skill-muscles that were constantly being flexed, I liked people and people liked me. I was less jaded by people's perception of me and blissfully unaware of my own self.

These days it's harder to feel aligned as I've fallen into the mundanity that pays my bills, and though I feel the pull to creativity, I have started to believe that "this is all I am now".

It's been two months since I soft launched, and the soft launch has been the best thing I could have ever have done, as I could not bare to face a huge public declaration followed by a freeze state of over-analysing the very thing that I worked tirelessly to put out there. This is the first proper thing I've written in months, and I've just opened up my site and started at a blank page, no middle or end in mind, only a beginning.

I suppose these days I've accepted a much slower alignment, and though I miss how fast paced my late teens and early adulthood was, I have to remind myself that going months without public progress is still aligning on some of the back of house bits that really need addressing. Having said that, I really REALLY miss the old me. The lucky me, the IDGAF me. The "I don't know how I'm going to do it, but there will be a way" me.

But then again, that version of me was sitting on/ avoiding some serious inner work. And I'm not blaming her for not prioritising that at that time, I'm glad she got to live out loud, but I guess I'm just saying that I can't pine over that version of myself without acceptance of the elephant that resided in her existence, in that many things had to suffer for her to live.